Saturday, January 2, 2010

Is Monogamy = Monotony?

Seeing the ruckus and sensation this blog has caused and is still causing on ecademy, I have decided to post to here as well and see what happens:

With the complete awareness that what I am about to say now could be regarded as heresy and invoke the wrath of many; especially because it is coming from the lips of a woman,
I hereby proceed anyway to take the plunge:

I love walnut icecream. It is my absolute number one topper. You can wake me up in the middle of the night for this. Yet I also love trying out strawberry and lemon and vanilla and chocolate and basically any new flavour of ice cream that seems delicious to me. Does that make me love walnut less? No not at all! If anything, it makes me appreciate the very taste of walnut again when I eat it.

If I were to eat only walnut all the time would my love for it stay the same?
I think not. I would become bored with it because I know it through and through.
Very often we need the difference/contrast to recognize and keep seeing the beauty of number one.

Are you getting my drift?

Personally I think that we humans are not monogamous by nature and that this is okay. (I am not talking here about love, but sex.) I think that monogamy has a lot of advantages and makes things easy and clearer to some degree. Still I believe that it is more a social and cultural norm than a biological law.

I think that all too often relationships are made and broken by (lack of) monogamy. It makes me wonder:

Why do we make vows about things we can't keep?
Why do we break up when one party has sex outside of the relationship?
Since people do break up for these reasons, does that mean that a whole loving relationship has it's foundations on monogamy as the only condition?
Isn't there anything else besides sexual monogamy, that makes your relationship unique?
Why do we humanbeings need to possess and to overpossess everything: money, land, security,the other person (MY wife, MY Husband, MY Car..... ) all the time?
Why do we have all these rules based on fear?
Fear of not being special or number one or important ALL the time to someone else.

I see love as this wondrously huge power, something that stands distinctively aside from sex.
I see sex as a small part of love and as a biological necessity, like eating and sleeping and all that, in a healthy way.
I see promiscuity as a whole different thing all together. Promiscuity is when a healthy thing goes over the balance and becomes harmful to oneself. Like an eating disorder.

For me obviously sexual monogamy is not the most important aspect of a relationship. Faithfulness for me means having respect for me as a person, standing by me a person.
There is nothing sexual about these things.

If faithful is about sex then it's all a farce isn't it, when people have sex with others everyday in their minds.

I am curious about your opinions on this.


  1. Chinello,
    I find your blog provocative as well as extremely controversial in a time when mainstream dictates. Is monogamy something that fits in our culture today or has it been forced upon us. You have stipulated that monogamy is like only tasting one flavour of ice cream. That we as a people prefer more flavours. Furthermore you have written that this does not mean you like the original flavour less.
    If monogamy is one of the corner stones of our society, why then are so many marriages disolved due to unfaithfulness. There have been so many documented incidents where we see that monogamy is questionable. Many prominent figures as well as the rest of us have, at one time or another, been seduced with the idea, conciously or subconciously, what would it be like to...? Does that mean I love my partner less or does it mean I have reached a point where-by my love relationship is/has been at a stand still. I'm not provocating that we divide and multiply but I am suggesting, that in some cases it may induce some needed reviewing.
    I, for example am not the same person I was 20 years ago. My ideas on various subjects and topics related to monogamy have been ammended as time has past. My partner has also ammended her position on this matter. We feel that if the right circumstances prevail and if a new impulse is needed to spruce up our relationship that we may seek a non-monogamous option. But what ever we decide to do, to stay together we will always consult one another on the issue at hand.
    We need to grow and to explore new possibilities in our lives. Many of our choices will not be shared by the mainstream. But at the end of the day we will have to live with our choices and we do.
    I guess one could say that if you love someone or something give it your love. Love is not a closed, selective or controlling emotion like so many in our society would have us to believe. Maybe just maybe not being monogamous is also a form of love that we can share, time will tell!!

  2. Interesting! I did not realize you saw it this way :) I don't think monogamy should equal monotony and this mens it falls on you and your partner to bring your relationshipout of the rut of monotony. I would like to believe that it is possible to be faithful to one partner sexually and also keep other things that are vital to the relationship going. I am not sure how someone can claim they respect me and still go out looking for someone else. It's not logical to me. But if you make it clear from day one that you have an open relationship then sexual monogamy does not have to be part of the plan for that couple. I guess deceit is something I am not going to be a part of and I am not interested in an open relationship. I might just pull a Lorena Bobbit on the guy and cut of his you-know-what :) :)Nah! It won't be worth it. Just my 2 cents worth of input.

  3. I agree with this blog. I think it is love of a higher level when you can enjoy when your partner is having sex with someone else. Enjoy is not the right word. It is more a feeling, hard to write down.

  4. Dear Chinello

    This is a fantastic blog and a very timely one which tells exactly what it says. When there is unconditional love between partners and there is an outreach selectively,nothing can come between , it is then a game that is played on a level ground where no other feeling can come in even edgeways.

    Unconditional love = truth+love= universal consciousness

    Fantastic blog Bravo Chinello